Thursday, April 19, 2007

What to Wear on a Break-Up?

Dark Spring, originally uploaded by Ayala Moriel.

Dear Ayala,

Me and my boyfriend of the past 4 years just broke up. In those last four years not only did I spend the best of my time with him (we lived together), I also became an avid perfume collector. There is not one single perfume in my collection that does not remind me of something we did together and become flooded with emotions or tears. I’m overwhelmed!
What should I wear that will not spoil the perfume for me now that I am so sad and emotional? Should I get a new perfume or stick with the old ones?


Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

Dear BB&B,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and it must be so difficult in Spring, the most romantic and cheerful seasons of them all... Many of us experience the end of a relationship almost as tragic as death. It is indeed an end to a part of our life and ourselves that will never be the same again. But remember, when one door closes, another one opens. May this be a new beginning and an opportunity to learn something new and exciting about yourself and discover new strengths within yourself.

As far as perfume goes, the answer to your question is quite complex. Unfortunately, there is no one right way to overcome the challenges that the strong association between memories, emotions and scent evokes. Here are a few ideas, and with a little experimentation, you will find the right thing for this difficult time in your life. Each solution has an advantage and also presents a challenge. I will point out each side of the coin and this way you will be able to make an informed decision based on what you think will work best for you.

1) Wear nothing!
When I am sick or particularly troubled, I tend to shy away from fragrances. The reason: I don’t want to spoil a scent for myself. Besides, I don’t feel like it. This is perhaps the most safe way to cope with the break up olfactory-wise, because this way you are sure to not associate a perfume with the tragic event.
The challenge: While in this approach you are controlling the association between a fragrance and an emotional state and unpleasant memories, you cannot guarantee that there won’t be fragrance associations imposed on you from the environment. For instance: if you move out to a new neighbourhood, and your neighbour or roommate cooks with cilantro every evening, you may associate the scent of cilantro with the break up later on, after this period is over and you can look back on it.

2) Start afresh!
If all of the scents in your perfume wardrobe stir intense memories of the loved and lost one, you may want to try something new. There is an advantage and a disadvantage to doing is: by starting something new, you will be able to remove any fragrance association from your favourite scents and therefore it is more likely that you will be able to come back to them when you are feeling more stable again.
The challenge: you will most likely create an association within yourself between the break up and a particular fragrance. Keep in mind that you may not be able to wear this particular fragrance later on without associating it with the break up.

3) Harp on those strings, rub your wounds with salt
For some of us, coping with loss and pain means experiencing it to its fullest. If you are like this, you may want to come closer to the scents that remind you of your loss most of all – the scent of your partner’s sweater, his/her favourite soap or shampoo, the special perfume you used to wear for him/her… Burry your nose in those smells and let the tears wash your face and lift the pain from your heart.

4) Stick with your favoruites…
When we feel insecure, uncertain, anxious or sad, sometimes what we need best is just a little bit of comfort; be it the cozy familiar bed, comfort foods, or a long relaxing bubble bath – we all have those little things we can treat ourselves to when we need extra moral support (and even more so when there is no one around anymore…). If you have a comfort scent, you may find it to be your best friend in this situation. A scent that you’ve always came back to before for a sense of familiarity, comfort and well-being. It might be a simple as amber or musk, or a powdery vanillic floral– whichever makes you feel better.

5) And to make matter worse…
If you have a scent you particularly dislike, perhaps a scent that makes you particularly moody or melancholic - you may find yourself drawn to it now. This can be another way to put into good use a scent you don’t normally wear. Perhaps a process of catharsis will occur and shed a new light on your view of the scent (and your situation).

I am sending you a big hug, and hope this will make you feel better and less lonely. Sometimes, when you are in an unhealthy relationship you don’t even have yourself as company, and that is the most profound form of loneliness… Remember, as long as you have yourself, you are not lonely, just alone.

Sincerely yours,


P.s. Care to share your painful/cathartic experience with which scents you worn in a crisis situation and why? Open your heart and enter to win a miniature of my ultimate comfort scent, Cabaret.

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At April 19, 2007 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ayala, I wore my beloved Le Parfum de Thérèse on a particularly traumatic day (I had to go sign commitment papers for someone very close to me who had just attempted suicide). Strangely enough, it hasn't ruined it at all. I still feel irrationally happy when I wear it. By the way, do you know which note gives that very crisp, green-tart note that lasts until the drydown ? It's identified as melon but the original name of the scent was "prune" so I think it might be a plum-smelling synthetic...

At April 20, 2007 6:25 AM, Blogger Divina said...

This past year someone I considered a close friend turned on me very unexpectedly. To make matters worse, it was someone with whom I had to work with for a very important project and the balance of the whole group was in jeopardy. I wore Laura by Laura Biagiotti the day that I had to talk to her to resolve this, not because it would lend me strength, but because I did not want to threaten her. I do have stronger memories for that perfume, so even though it reminds me of her if I sit and think about it, it is not spoiled for me.

At July 18, 2007 7:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ayala, I loved your reply to BB&B. I feel grateful to every perfume that has carried me through a hard patch and will love them forever. Contrary to having a negative association, every time I wear such a perfume, I feel strengthened and supported. Life let me down--but my perfume didn't.

At July 18, 2007 8:41 PM, Blogger Ayala Moriel said...

Carmen, this is such a traumatic experience, and I am so relieved to hear that it did not jeopardize your enjoyment of Le Parfum de Thérèse. It is such a positive perfume for me too - one of the few that just make me feel happy when I wear it. Other than that, orange blossom is the only scent that really creates that feeling for me.

At July 18, 2007 8:43 PM, Blogger Ayala Moriel said...

Divina, you are such a kind spirit and so thoughtful. I am always encouraged to hear of perfumes being able to accompany us in difficult times yet remain faithful. There is nothing more terrible than a good friend turning on you, and that includes perfume...

At July 18, 2007 8:45 PM, Blogger Ayala Moriel said...

Fiveoakes, thank you for visiting this post again and commenting. Isn't it interesting how even if for a while a time in our life seems horrific, after a while we can look at it in an almost nostalgic way, perhaps even miss it... And the same for a perfume that was worn at that time. It may pinch the heart a bit, but would be also appreciated for reminding us of our strength.


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